Hello, my name is Denise and I'm bipolar. There I said it. For some of you, this will come as a surprise. For those closest to me, you've known for quite a while. :-)
When I was 25, in late 1996, I was diagnosed as Bipolar II. Many people think they know what being bipolar (or manic depressive) is like based on images they have seen on TV or movies or from people they may have known. However, the most publically portrayed version is Bipolar I--a full-blown manic depressive (full mania and clinical depression). I am type II--hypomania and clinical depression. One of the differences between the two, is that type II never has a mania episode on the scale of type I and has manic episodes less often and has more depressive episodes.
Since 1996 I have been on medication. It started with just Zoloft (I wasn't fully convinced I was Bipolar because my knowledge on manic depression only dealt with type I). I remember the first day that I realized the anti-depressant (Zoloft) was working. It was like a load had been lifted. I could see clearly and didn't feel so overwhelmed anymore. As early as 6th grade, I have battled with clinical depressions, but was never diagnosed. As early as 10th grade, I remember feeling as though I was living outside of myself--more like I was witnessing my life rather than being a part of the world. The Zoloft changed all that for me. All of a sudden I realized that the world I had been living in was NOT normal. I finally was experiencing normality.
A few months later, I realized the doctors were right and that I was Bipolar II after all (could be because I had averaged only 3 ours of sleep a night for 5 nights, had plenty of energy, and was starting my 8th project--with the 1st 7 being unfinished). So, I started a new medicine called Neurontin. Neurontin is not typically prescribed for a manic depressive. It was experimental in that type of treatment when I started it. However, it worked for me. I started with 300 mg 3 times a day. Over time I convinced a doctor to decrease me to 2x a day. Finally, I found a doctor who thought I was getting too much. Unbeknownst to me, it causes short term memory loss (I thought I was having issues because I was past 30) so the pdoc (psychiatrist) lowered my dose to 100 mg 2 x a day and it worked fine.
Since my diagnosis, I've done pretty well and stayed balanced. I no longer drink alcohol (well, maybe 2-5 times a year I'll have 1 drink) because it counteracts my medicine. I don't drink nearly as much caffeine for the same reason. The only times I've had issues is when I have moved and had problems locating a new pdoc quick enough and have gone temporarily off my meds (which may be a shock to my folks since I never told them I did that...sorry). But I always rushed back to them because I didn't feel right without them. I need them.
Well, because Chris and I are trying to have a baby, things have changed. I saw my pdoc last January, before we got married, and told her that we wanted to have a baby. I wanted to know what I should do about my meds. While Zoloft has been found to be safe (it works great for women with post-partum), Neurontin and all other drugs for mania can cause miscarriage and/or major birth defects. So, she took me off the Neurontin. I have now been off that medicine for 18 months. I am still hypomanic free, but I wonder how much longer this will last. The moment it starts up again, Chris and I will have to stop trying, while I attempt to get balanced again.
Trying to be a mom and having a mental disorder is not an easy road in terms of medication. I feel the pressure of the clock on me. Not only because I'm 38 but also because I'm Bipolar II and will need my meds again someday. I don't think it is an issue because of moods,etc. Unlike many people out there, meds worked for me right away. I love life and have learned how to cope with stressors these last nearly 14 years.
I just pray that God gives us a baby someday soon before time runs out...
(PS If you want to learn more about Bipolar II, please click the title of this entry)
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Miscarriage Stats
Before I ever had my first miscarriage, I knew one was possible. I guess I knew because both my mom and sister had suffered one a piece. I didn't want it to happend, obviously, but having one seemed like a possiblity. Once I had the 1st, I figured I was in the clear and would not have any issues. Boy, was I wrong.
I wish I still had that since of naivete. But, I know longer possess it. Now, when I see a friend announce that they are pregnant, my first thought, if they are still in the 1st trimester, is...I hope they don't lose their baby. I didn't use to think this way. It makes me sad that I do. I used to feel joyful for them upon hearing the news despite where they were in their pregnancy. But having suffered loss 3 times, I fear that they will have that same loss, that same pain that, unless you have been there, no one else can quite comprehend.
Mother's Day was just a week ago. It was a day where I know in my heart that I am a mother. I am a mother of 3 angels in heaven. Yet, no one wished me a happy mother's day. I honestly didn't expect it, but I feel like I was a mom, even for a brief period of time.
Recently, I started thinking about the frequency of miscarriage. I once heard the stat that 30% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. I've even heard that it is likely more like 70% because many women are pregnant and lose their baby early in but think that their period is only 2 days late or so (chemical pregnancies). For now, though, let's deal with the 30% stat. I more recently read it is more like 20%. In my naivete, I interpreted this to mean that 20% of women (1 in 5) will suffer a miscarriage. That is pretty high when you think about it. However, it is higher than that. It isn't 20% of women, it is 20% of all pregnancies. That means it is quite likely that most women who get pregnant will likely suffer a miscarriage at sometime in her life.
Here are some other interesting stats:
Women have a ....
**75% chance of miscarriage at weeks 3 and 4 of pregnancy (when they are technically only 1-2 weeks pregnant).
**10% chance at weeks 5-8
**5% chance at weeks 8-14
For someone like me, who has had multiple losses and no live births, the stats are pretty scary.
**10-13% chance if you have had 1 loss
**40% chance if you have had 2 losses
**60% chance if you have had 3 or more losses.
**4 or more losses, a 5% chance of ever having a healthy pregnancy
This means, for me, I have more of a chance losing my next pregnancy than keeping it. Yikes! I keep praying that God will help us though. I told Chris that we will keep trying until I reach menopause and can't try anymore or we have a baby. Whichever happens first.
I wish I still had that since of naivete. But, I know longer possess it. Now, when I see a friend announce that they are pregnant, my first thought, if they are still in the 1st trimester, is...I hope they don't lose their baby. I didn't use to think this way. It makes me sad that I do. I used to feel joyful for them upon hearing the news despite where they were in their pregnancy. But having suffered loss 3 times, I fear that they will have that same loss, that same pain that, unless you have been there, no one else can quite comprehend.
Mother's Day was just a week ago. It was a day where I know in my heart that I am a mother. I am a mother of 3 angels in heaven. Yet, no one wished me a happy mother's day. I honestly didn't expect it, but I feel like I was a mom, even for a brief period of time.
Recently, I started thinking about the frequency of miscarriage. I once heard the stat that 30% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. I've even heard that it is likely more like 70% because many women are pregnant and lose their baby early in but think that their period is only 2 days late or so (chemical pregnancies). For now, though, let's deal with the 30% stat. I more recently read it is more like 20%. In my naivete, I interpreted this to mean that 20% of women (1 in 5) will suffer a miscarriage. That is pretty high when you think about it. However, it is higher than that. It isn't 20% of women, it is 20% of all pregnancies. That means it is quite likely that most women who get pregnant will likely suffer a miscarriage at sometime in her life.
Here are some other interesting stats:
Women have a ....
**75% chance of miscarriage at weeks 3 and 4 of pregnancy (when they are technically only 1-2 weeks pregnant).
**10% chance at weeks 5-8
**5% chance at weeks 8-14
For someone like me, who has had multiple losses and no live births, the stats are pretty scary.
**10-13% chance if you have had 1 loss
**40% chance if you have had 2 losses
**60% chance if you have had 3 or more losses.
**4 or more losses, a 5% chance of ever having a healthy pregnancy
This means, for me, I have more of a chance losing my next pregnancy than keeping it. Yikes! I keep praying that God will help us though. I told Chris that we will keep trying until I reach menopause and can't try anymore or we have a baby. Whichever happens first.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The 2 Week Wait (2ww)
Right now, I'm in the 2ww. What is that? Well, simply put. It is the 2 week time period between ovulation and a woman's period. Fun stuff, huh? I find it a bit annoying at times though.
When you are trying to conceive a baby, the 2ww can be torture. In my heart, I keep hoping I am pregnant, but I try not to think about the possibility and ignore everything else going on....particularly the "phantom symptoms". That can be difficult at times because I'll say I'm feeling a particular way and Chris will raise his eyebrows at me---like he suspects I may be pregnant as well. I find myself constantly denying I am although I am secretly hoping he is right.
The phantom symptoms are sometimes the worse. I call them phantom, but they aren't. I believe they are real symptoms. After a woman has her period, she gets an increase in progesterone. Progesterone is what causes a great deal of the symptoms. If a woman is pregnant, the hcG hormone (pregnancy hormone) signals an increase in progesterone leading to more or worse symptoms. Progesterone is what prevents the period from coming and signals the lining to stay in place.
During my 2nd pregnancy (ever brief that it was), we discovered I had low progesterone. My doctor prescribed progesterone suppositories (50 mg) to try and prevent miscarriage. It was too late and I lost the baby. (Honestly, though, I could have lost the baby because that was God's will as it was anyway). Now, starting at 10 dpo (days past ovulation), I have to put in the suppositories twice a day. Charting is very important for me to pinpoint the day I need to do this.
What this does to my body, I don't know. I do know that my symptoms sometimes increase after I start the suppositories. I always get more tired during the 2ww naturally, but when I'm pregnant and/or on the suppositories, I am downright exhausted in the afternoon and take lots of naps. Before my first pregnancy, my boobs never got sore during the 2ww. With my 1st pregnancy and my last, sore boobs were a huge symptom for me that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I will now occasionally have sore boobs whether I am pregnant or not. My doctor said that was normal once you have been pregnant. Yay. ;-)
So, here I am in the 2ww, hoping and praying I am pregnant, again, but not counting on it. With that I feel all sorts of emotions. Part of me gets excited at the prospect, while the other part of me is scared I will suffer another loss. I can never approach a pregnancy with wide-eyed innocence that I did in the past. The naivety that everything will turn out okay in 9 months and I'll hold a baby in my arms, for sure. I want that back, but I can't have it back. While I am hopeful I'm pregnant again, I get myself mentally ready that I'm not and Chris & I will try again the next month.
We should know soon if I am or not. I'm highly doubtful this time around because while I've been a bit tired, I have no other symptoms. So, I'm ready for my cycle to restart and move on for more fun trying again. The life of a woman trying to conceive is grand, right? ;)
When you are trying to conceive a baby, the 2ww can be torture. In my heart, I keep hoping I am pregnant, but I try not to think about the possibility and ignore everything else going on....particularly the "phantom symptoms". That can be difficult at times because I'll say I'm feeling a particular way and Chris will raise his eyebrows at me---like he suspects I may be pregnant as well. I find myself constantly denying I am although I am secretly hoping he is right.
The phantom symptoms are sometimes the worse. I call them phantom, but they aren't. I believe they are real symptoms. After a woman has her period, she gets an increase in progesterone. Progesterone is what causes a great deal of the symptoms. If a woman is pregnant, the hcG hormone (pregnancy hormone) signals an increase in progesterone leading to more or worse symptoms. Progesterone is what prevents the period from coming and signals the lining to stay in place.
During my 2nd pregnancy (ever brief that it was), we discovered I had low progesterone. My doctor prescribed progesterone suppositories (50 mg) to try and prevent miscarriage. It was too late and I lost the baby. (Honestly, though, I could have lost the baby because that was God's will as it was anyway). Now, starting at 10 dpo (days past ovulation), I have to put in the suppositories twice a day. Charting is very important for me to pinpoint the day I need to do this.
What this does to my body, I don't know. I do know that my symptoms sometimes increase after I start the suppositories. I always get more tired during the 2ww naturally, but when I'm pregnant and/or on the suppositories, I am downright exhausted in the afternoon and take lots of naps. Before my first pregnancy, my boobs never got sore during the 2ww. With my 1st pregnancy and my last, sore boobs were a huge symptom for me that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I will now occasionally have sore boobs whether I am pregnant or not. My doctor said that was normal once you have been pregnant. Yay. ;-)
So, here I am in the 2ww, hoping and praying I am pregnant, again, but not counting on it. With that I feel all sorts of emotions. Part of me gets excited at the prospect, while the other part of me is scared I will suffer another loss. I can never approach a pregnancy with wide-eyed innocence that I did in the past. The naivety that everything will turn out okay in 9 months and I'll hold a baby in my arms, for sure. I want that back, but I can't have it back. While I am hopeful I'm pregnant again, I get myself mentally ready that I'm not and Chris & I will try again the next month.
We should know soon if I am or not. I'm highly doubtful this time around because while I've been a bit tired, I have no other symptoms. So, I'm ready for my cycle to restart and move on for more fun trying again. The life of a woman trying to conceive is grand, right? ;)
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