Sleep?

I know I did a post about sleep deprivation, but it needs to be repeated.

I am soooo tired!! Just when I think Ginny is becoming a better sleeper, she changes her mind. I've got her on a nap schedule, morning and afternoon.  She does okay with it.  It really depends on the day.  Sometimes she will sleep 40-60 minutes in the morning and then 1-2 hours in the afternoon.  Some days, though, she will only sleep 20 minutes in the morning and 45 minutes in the afternoon.

At night, she is in her crib by 7 p.m. and usually falls right to sleep.  For a few weeks she would sleep until about 2 a.m. for a feeding and then sleep until 7 a.m.  That did not last.  Now her sleeping is more sporadic.  The other night, I think she decided to be nostalgic for her first few weeks of life because she woke every 2-3 hours for a feeding.  She should be sleeping more, but we are struggling through two things right now--teething and another growth spurt.

I miss sleep. I need sleep. I want sleep.

More than that, I want Ginny to get some sleep.  A sleepy baby can be a crabby and impatient baby.  Ginny is a very happy baby most days, but without the necessary sleep she gets cranky a bit quicker than normal. Hopefully, her first 2 teeth come in soon so maybe she starts sleeping better again. Hopefully.

OMG!! Can It Be True? Am I Really 40?

My new tiara and lei that my sister got me for my 40th.

Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday.......

Hold up! Put the brakes on now.  I am not ready to be 40. Not yet. Not really.  I know I can't prevent it from happening, but do I have to be?  This puts me 10 years closer to 50 than I want to be.  Heck, 40 sounds old.  Until today, I could say that I was in my 30s.  I liked that.  I enjoyed being in my 30s.  A lot of wonderful things happened in my 30s--became an aunt for the first time, met the man of my dreams, married him, had a beautiful baby girl. Why do I have to leave this wonderful time?

Oh yeah, that's why. Time!  It keeps moving forward.  We can't hit pause. Isn't that sad?

I truthfully thought about refusing to be 40 and only celebrate the anniversaries of my 39th birthday.  It sounded like a great idea--in my head.  In reality, it seems silly.

To be honest, turning 40 isn't so bad.  I didn't discover any new gray hairs today.  Just the same ones that are there (cleverly covered up by hair dye).  10 years ago, on my 30th birthday, was when I found my first gray.  I was devastated.  Heck, turning 30 was traumatic for me, and I didn't expect it. The day I turned 30, it suddenly hit me as something awful and hard.  I was quite depressed that day and for a week after.  I wanted to crawl in a hole.  My life hadn't turned out like I expected it would. When I graduated from high school, I had imagined that by 30 I would be married and have at least one child by then.  Boy, was I wrong.

My day has been pretty good.  Ginny and I spent the morning together.  She even got in a decent nap this morning (this afternoon has not been successful in that department but I'm trying to not think of it).  After Chris got up we had lunch and then I opened my birthday gifts.  Chris and Ginny spoiled me with St. Louis Cardinals clothing (yay!) and I received a movie from my in-laws.  The best though was the special package my younger sister sent me.  When I was 30, she sent me a package with 30 gifts to open.  Today, she did the same but with 40. Well....technically, 41, for one to grow on. It was fabulous and fun! Most of the stuff was cute and funny.

I look a bit drugged here, but....this is the box of 40 gifts from my sister Amy.

Even Ginny got a couple of gifts from her Aunt Amy!

Later today, Chris, Ginny, and I will go out for dinner at our local Mexican restaurant, Cancun.  We love it, and I'm looking forward to some yummy food and a margarita. Mmmm!  So far, being 40 isn't so bad.  It is even sunny outside.  Granted, I'm only a few hours into it though.  We'll see how things are tomorrow.

Memories of a High School Nothing

I belong to a fabulous group of women who call ourselves "Pinkies" on facebook.  These ladies come from all walks of life, but the one thing we have in common is our faith--Catholicism.

A discussion began today on bullying and how it has affected us all.  It brought back flashbacks of my life.  I was bullied, like most kids, when I was little. As a small child, I would be playing calmly and happily in the sandbox and other kids would pour sand over my head.  My response?  Nothing but tears. My parents tried to help me and teach me to fight back.  That did not work because I was born a pacifist.  They even bought me a blow-up Bullwinkle punching bag, but I never hit it.  Instead, I hugged it.

To avoid the bullying I learned to ignore some crap, keep my head down, and I push my shy self to be more outgoing.  It was not easy.  Until I was 10, my dad was active duty in the Air Force and I had moved several times.  When I would start a new school, I clammed up.  I didn't say much at all.  I got more and more shy with each move.  Our last move was when I was 12 into the community of St. Charles, Missouri.  Luckily, I never really did have to deal with bullies once I was there.

Now, that is not to say that my time in St. Charles was wonderful and that I loved high school.  When I look back at high school, I feel a lot more pain than I do joy.  My first couple of years of school weren't so bad, but they went downhill by my junior year.

At the end of 7th grade, I started hanging out a bit with a group of girls I really liked.  They all seemed very nice and sweet.  Then, in 8th grade, a new girl arrived at our school.  Being the military brat that I was, I quickly introduced myself.  We became friends and were close friends for a number of years.  Things changed though by my junior year of high school.  That close friend and I had a huge blow out fight over something so trivial and stupid in some ways.  My perception at the time was that she didn't respect me and thought she was better than me.  I do not know what she thought.  We never really hung out after that, although we still shared the same friends/high school clique.

Soon after that fight, I felt very alone in high school.  I started to realize that I was alone. Most of my "friends" rarely made an effort to hang out with me.  It was always me making the effort to hang out with them.  For my 16th birthday, I threw a party.  I invited all my friends and some acquaintances.  Most said they would come, but in the end, only a handful showed up.  I was devastated and embarrassed.  I thought I had friends who would celebrate.  I got some excuses, most lame.  It did not stop the hurt though, although I publicly shrugged it off.

During high school I became the master of masking emotions.  I hid the sadness and anger I felt behind smiles.  Later on in my life I would realize how unhealthy that was when I was in therapy trying to learn how to identify my emotions.  I had become so good at the masking that I hid my own emotions from myself.

High school was a miserable time for me.  It began to dawn on me more and more that I was the only one making the effort with my friends.  Right before my senior year of high school, my family moved out of the district (we got special permission for my sis and I to continue going to school there).  My friends claimed the couldn't visit because I lived too far away.  Yet, they were quick to go see movies at the theater that was only 5 minutes down the road from me.

Despite these feelings, I kept in touch with a few friends from high school once I went off to college.  But it didn't last.  My sister was a senior in high school during my junior year of college.  She would be performing with her pom squad at senior night of a basketball game.  I mentioned something to a friend who said that the alumni band members would be performing with the pep band.  I said I wasn't interested in that, but would join up with them afterward.  After the game, I went up to my friends and said hello.  I tried to engage them in conversation.  Not one person said a thing to me.  I was ignored.  At that moment, I had finally had enough.  I walked away and stopped trying.  And you know what?  Not one person from that group ever attempted to contact me.

I'm friends with most of my high school graduating class on FB, including the group I hung out with.  I've looked at some of their pictures from high school and college.  In doing so, I realize how much I was left out and not included.  It doesn't bother me so much anymore.  I've grown up.  In my growing, I've discovered true friends who will always have my back....people I don't constantly have to make the effort with.  They make the effort too.  I've also forgiven the people who hurt me in the past.

My hopes rest on Ginny now.  I hope that when she goes to school that she won't have to deal with the bullying or from people not caring for her.  I hope that she enjoys her life completely and that her disappointments are minimal.