Memories of a High School Nothing

I belong to a fabulous group of women who call ourselves "Pinkies" on facebook.  These ladies come from all walks of life, but the one thing we have in common is our faith--Catholicism.

A discussion began today on bullying and how it has affected us all.  It brought back flashbacks of my life.  I was bullied, like most kids, when I was little. As a small child, I would be playing calmly and happily in the sandbox and other kids would pour sand over my head.  My response?  Nothing but tears. My parents tried to help me and teach me to fight back.  That did not work because I was born a pacifist.  They even bought me a blow-up Bullwinkle punching bag, but I never hit it.  Instead, I hugged it.

To avoid the bullying I learned to ignore some crap, keep my head down, and I push my shy self to be more outgoing.  It was not easy.  Until I was 10, my dad was active duty in the Air Force and I had moved several times.  When I would start a new school, I clammed up.  I didn't say much at all.  I got more and more shy with each move.  Our last move was when I was 12 into the community of St. Charles, Missouri.  Luckily, I never really did have to deal with bullies once I was there.

Now, that is not to say that my time in St. Charles was wonderful and that I loved high school.  When I look back at high school, I feel a lot more pain than I do joy.  My first couple of years of school weren't so bad, but they went downhill by my junior year.

At the end of 7th grade, I started hanging out a bit with a group of girls I really liked.  They all seemed very nice and sweet.  Then, in 8th grade, a new girl arrived at our school.  Being the military brat that I was, I quickly introduced myself.  We became friends and were close friends for a number of years.  Things changed though by my junior year of high school.  That close friend and I had a huge blow out fight over something so trivial and stupid in some ways.  My perception at the time was that she didn't respect me and thought she was better than me.  I do not know what she thought.  We never really hung out after that, although we still shared the same friends/high school clique.

Soon after that fight, I felt very alone in high school.  I started to realize that I was alone. Most of my "friends" rarely made an effort to hang out with me.  It was always me making the effort to hang out with them.  For my 16th birthday, I threw a party.  I invited all my friends and some acquaintances.  Most said they would come, but in the end, only a handful showed up.  I was devastated and embarrassed.  I thought I had friends who would celebrate.  I got some excuses, most lame.  It did not stop the hurt though, although I publicly shrugged it off.

During high school I became the master of masking emotions.  I hid the sadness and anger I felt behind smiles.  Later on in my life I would realize how unhealthy that was when I was in therapy trying to learn how to identify my emotions.  I had become so good at the masking that I hid my own emotions from myself.

High school was a miserable time for me.  It began to dawn on me more and more that I was the only one making the effort with my friends.  Right before my senior year of high school, my family moved out of the district (we got special permission for my sis and I to continue going to school there).  My friends claimed the couldn't visit because I lived too far away.  Yet, they were quick to go see movies at the theater that was only 5 minutes down the road from me.

Despite these feelings, I kept in touch with a few friends from high school once I went off to college.  But it didn't last.  My sister was a senior in high school during my junior year of college.  She would be performing with her pom squad at senior night of a basketball game.  I mentioned something to a friend who said that the alumni band members would be performing with the pep band.  I said I wasn't interested in that, but would join up with them afterward.  After the game, I went up to my friends and said hello.  I tried to engage them in conversation.  Not one person said a thing to me.  I was ignored.  At that moment, I had finally had enough.  I walked away and stopped trying.  And you know what?  Not one person from that group ever attempted to contact me.

I'm friends with most of my high school graduating class on FB, including the group I hung out with.  I've looked at some of their pictures from high school and college.  In doing so, I realize how much I was left out and not included.  It doesn't bother me so much anymore.  I've grown up.  In my growing, I've discovered true friends who will always have my back....people I don't constantly have to make the effort with.  They make the effort too.  I've also forgiven the people who hurt me in the past.

My hopes rest on Ginny now.  I hope that when she goes to school that she won't have to deal with the bullying or from people not caring for her.  I hope that she enjoys her life completely and that her disappointments are minimal.