Things I Don't "Get"

There are some things I just don't "get" what all the hype is about. Here are just a few:

• Rascal Flatts  I love country music, but don't understand why this group ever got huge much less has remained big all these years.  I can NOT stand them.  The lead singer, to me, sounds like he is whining as he sings.  His voice, quite frankly, annoys me. Why do people like hearing a whiny voice?  He isn't the only male singer out there with that whiny tone.  I'm sick of it.  I like a man, who, when he sings, sounds like a man!  This doesn't mean I don't like tenors.  For example, I do like Vince Gill. 

• Modern Family  This show has been one of the biggest hyped and best reviewed shows for the last year and a half.  I have tried to watch it.  I first tried to watch it on the night it premiered.  I found it very UNfunny so I changed the channel 20 minutes in.  I've tried on a couple more occasions since as well just in case I missed something.  IMHO, the show sucks.  It just isn't funny.  I don't "get" why people think it is all that.  I feel like I'm seriously missing something.

• Avatar    I finally saw this movie over Christmas.  While the graphics and special effects were outstanding, the movie itself fell flat and boring for me.  I didn't get the whole point of it other than to throw an outsider into a new environment without the best intentions, have the person fall in love, and realize they needed to go up against those he previously worked for before.  This same movie has been done time and again in different contexts.  I didn't think it worked in this movie.  I don't "get" why my parents and others thought that movie was awesome.  I started playing on my computer in the middle of it because I was so bored.

• Justin Bieber  I guess I'm not supposed to "get" this one because I'm not 12, but I really don't understand all the hype and interest in him.  He is 16 and sounds like he is a 12 year old boy when singing.  There are much better voices and talents out there.  He's lame, IMO.

• Michael Jackson  I remember in the 80s when Michael Jackson got huge.  I was a fan and had a poster of him in my room.  (This was after "Thriller" came out.)  I thought he was great.  His next album, "Bad", I wasn't interested in and didn't really like the music.  In fact, other than one or two songs after "Thriller", I didn't like much of what he released.  I think he was way over-hyped.  He wasn't especially talented--not more so than many other artists out there.  He was just great and hyping himself.  After all, he dubbed himself the King of Pop.  I honestly don't think he was.  He stirred up the crowds and publicity.  In fact, many kids in the US, until recently, had never even heard his music or heard of him.  It wasn't until he died that the hype elevated again and I would hear people go on and on about how great he was.  Really?  Honestly?  No.  I think not.  I just don't "get" it.  He was talented, but no more than many others out there.  He just knew how to work the publicity machine.

• Twitter   I kept hearing all about Twitter so I tried it.  It bored me.  The only thing to do there is post status updates and track other peoples feeds.  Boring!  I cancelled my account 3 weeks later.

Changes

Since I've been pregnant, a lot of changes have happened to me.  I'm sure this is not surprising to anyone, least of all me, but I'm sometimes stunned by how much things have changed.  Quite a bit has changed and I'm 17 weeks 3 days.  I'm sure I'll face even more changes in the future. Here is a current list (and is likely not all inclusive):

1.  My Body
Yes, this one is the most expected of them all.  My body is shifting and changing.  I started noticing a small baby bump around 8 weeks.  Chris was able to see it then too, but no one else.  Clothing hid it quite well.  Now, my bump is large enough to show.  There are some weeks where my waistline grows an inch and others where it grows 2 inches.  I measure every week. Also, I think I may be feeling the baby, although not every day.  Sometimes I'll feel little flutters.  I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but mentioned it to my doctor who made me think that I am feeling the baby.

Additionally, I have a bit of lower back pain on occasion and hip pain.  My body is stretching to accommodate Baby G, so this is to be expected.  Oh, and let's not forget my boobs---what I prefer to call my "girls".  I've always been very blessed in that area, but now, I'm even more so.  I've already gone up one cup size and I'm about to go up another.  I'm just trying to delay buying some new bras a bit because that gets expensive.  To be honest, I was hoping that since I was already blessed that I would need to grow anymore in that area.  Boy, I was wrong.  That being said, I've lost 12 pounds since getting pregnant, and while I've gone up almost 2 cup sizes, I've now gone DOWN one band size.  Wow.

2. My Appetite
For the most part, my appetite has decreased.  I think the main reason for this is the morning sickness that still hasn't gone away.  I did start to lose my appetite a bit before morning sickness started.  I just wasn't that hungry.  Over time, my stomach has shrunk.  Now it doesn't take a lot to fill me up and make me full.  However, there are some days when I feel constantly hungry.  Again, though...it doesn't take much food to satisfy me.  I can eat a small thing of applesauce or watermelon or even 2 small Nilla Wafers, and I feel sated.  On days I'm hungry like that, I just end up eating a lot of small snacks every couple hours.

3. My Taste in Foods
My tongue has now decided that somethings that I used to love, don't work for me anymore.  And, there are some things I NEED to eat.  The first change I noticed (and noticed with my last pregnancy) is my tolerance for spicy foods.  I must be clear before I explain.  I have not had any issues with heartburn yet.  So, the tolerance is NOT related to heartburn.  Before I was pregnant, I used to LOVE spicy foods.  Now, I can barely eat spicy foods without feeling like my mouth is on fire.  My lovely husband does not appreciate spicy foods, but doesn't mind a little kick.  His idea of a kick used to make me laugh. ("What kick, honey?  I don't detect anything." I would tell him.).  Now, I'll be going on about how my mouth is on fire, and he looks at me like I'm crazy.  His usual response is "This isn't spicy.  I can detect somewhat of a kick but it is barely noticeable."

Other taste things--I'm not a huge fan of bread rolls anymore.  The just don't taste right to me.  They are no longer satisfying.  The same thing with hamburgers.  They do nothing for me.  They don't taste great, but they don't taste awful.  There is a bit of a bland taste to them.  However, salad is awesome!!  I'm loving salads and craving them.  In particular, I crave the Pasta House Salad, a good restaurant quality Caesar salad, or Olive Garden salad.

4. Breathing
I was diagnosed with asthma when I was 7 or 8 years old.  I never grew out of it.  However, it hasn't been bothering me much in the last several years.  A blessing!  Until recently, that is.  Starting around 10 weeks, I started having issues with my asthma.  I actually found myself needing to use my inhaler 1-2 times a week.  Then, at 14 weeks, it got even worse.  For a few days (until I got into the doctor), I would walk 4-10 feet and have to sit down to catch my breath.  I was using my inhaler not only every day, but multiple times in a day.  So, now I am on Advair and it is a major blessing!  I can breath again!  Apparently, 1/3 of pregnant women have their asthma get worse.  I guess that had to be me.

15 Weeks 1 Day

Wow! I can't believe I made it this far! After 3 losses, I'm still a bit more nervous than I think most pregnant moms without losses would be though. I really believed that after that last ultrasound I would totally relax. I was wrong. Instead, I find myself still in constant prayer--speaking to God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, St. Gerard, and my patron saint, Saint Catherine of Siena, asking for this baby to continue to be strong and healthy so it can be born to Chris and I in April. In the future, I suppose I can use this worry to my advantage when I can guilt my child by telling them I've worried about them since before they were born. LOL! I know this is only the beginning and the worrying won't cease until I do (which hopefully won't be until I'm at least 90.)

Part of what makes me worry, I suppose, is that fact that I'm still in an in-between phase of pregnancy. My baby bump is slowly growing everyday, but not to the point where others can tell quite yet. After all, I still can wear the clothes I was wearing before I was pregnant (for the most part, some of the shirts are too tight across the bust now so....). I'm also at a place where I can't feel the baby moving yet. That can start to happen anytime, but I've heard that since I'm a plus size girl (or as my cousin calls it, and I love, a "fluffy" girl), I might not feel this baby until I'm closer to 20 weeks. I did have an awesome dream this week where I saw my baby as it would look now. The hand was pushing against my belly to the point I could make out it was a hand and the baby's face was pressed as well so I could tell some details of the face. While I know this dream was unrealistic, I found it a bit reassuring. It was like Baby G was saying hello to me in my dream!

One thing I am ready to come to an end is morning sickness. There are days, even weeks, where I begin to believe that it is easing up. Days where I still get sick in the morning but the all-day nausea is gone. I can handle getting sick in the morning. It is part of my daily routine now. (Sad, huh? LOL!) But then, just when I think it is over, I eat dinner and then lose it soon after. The next day I end up with the all-day nausea again and barely eat (although I try). That part, I'm done with. In the last 2 days, though, I have only had dry heaves in the morning and no more nausea the rest of the day (although last night I had some before going to sleep).

Part of my concern about the morning sickness, at this point, is the fact that I've been losing weight since being pregnant. Who knew that being pregnant would be a great diet plan? I sure didn't mean for it to be. Honestly. Because I am a "fluffy" girl, my doctor told me that I should only gain 15-20 pounds during this pregnancy. At that first appointment, I was already down 5 pounds. Since then, I've dropped another 7 pounds which puts me at 12 pounds lost. My goal was to maintain my weight for a while, until around 20 weeks, because I know most women really gain weight in that 3rd trimester. Losing was never my plan. Once this morning sickness goes away in full (hopefully) I imagine that I'll be able to gain back the weight I lost. I really shouldn't be losing any more weight. We shall see if my current reprieve will last. Unfortunately, I'm not counting on it. Just enjoying it for now.

Hello 2nd Trimester!!

Well, it is official! I made it through the first trimester and am now into the 2nd! We saw the doctor this morning and had an u/s. The baby was beautiful and was even waving at us!! Too cute!! Even more positive than that, it had an amazing strong heartbeat at 166 and is now measuring ahead. Based on the last u/s, it should have measured at 12 weeks 6 days today, but....it measured at 13 weeks 2 days instead!! Yay! We go back in 4 weeks for our next appointment.


I can't wait to meet this little one! I'm not as nervous now as I have been. A lot more hopeful since now the miscarriage risk has dropped to 1%. I'll keep storming heaven with prayers though!

It's Alive!!

On Monday, September 13, Chris and I went in for the first u/s and doctor's appt.

Before this, I was not nervous and felt confident (although I wondered if I was deluded) about the status of this baby and pregnancy. However, about 2 days before hand, I found myself getting increasingly nervous! I realized it was because I was flashing back to the last time I had an u/s and the loss of that baby.

At the doc's office, I started to feel better because of stupid little things. The woman who checked me in was different than the time before. Even the u/s tech was different. For some reason, I felt these were likely good signs. It is crazy what your mind does to you!

The best part was the u/s itself. The baby was a good size. And after a while, I could even see the flicker of it's heart! Oh my goodness! I started to cry with joy!

According to my LMP (last menstrual period) I was supposed to be 8 weeks 6 days when we went for the u/s. However, I was pretty sure (since I chart) that I ovulated on CD 18 (4 days later than normal) so I would have been happy if the baby measured at 8 weeks 2 days, and actually expected that to be the case. Instead, it measured at 8 weeks 4 days. The heartbeat was nice and strong at 180 beats a minute. Yay!!!

After all that, and meeting with the doc, Chris and I went home with very happy hearts. I had wanted to wait for 2 more weeks to tell my folks so I could tell them in person. However, I could't hold back after the appointment. I wanted to tell the world. So, we shared the info with both our families that same day. Needless to say, everyone is happy and excited, but....still holding back a bit because there is still a chance of another loss.

Then Wednesday came, and when I went to the bathroom in the morning, I found brown spotting on the TP. I figured this was old blood, most likely from the pap and vaginal u/s. So, I wasn't worried. 2 hours later though, I found a couple of spots of pink on the TP and became concerned. So, I called the doc's office and spoke to the nurse. She and I determined it was probably nothing to worry about (I didn't have any more spotting other than those 2 spots), but she said I could come in again on Thursday for another u/s to make sure. How could I refuse for peace of mind?

We went in again and the baby was good! Nice strong heartbeat (170) and measuring right at 9 weeks. Awesomeness!

Below is a picture from the first u/s.

And to think, I asked God for this.

Last Saturday, it started--morning sickness. I had had on and off nausea since about 4 1/2 weeks, but I really got to a new point of nausea this past Saturday. It happened when I was preparing dinner--Carnitas.

I cooked the carnitas in a slow cooker and had started shredding the pork. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling so good, but I toughed my way through it. Then I started setting the table and putting things out since I anticipated my lovely husband being home in 15 minutes or so. Well....I couldn't finish putting things out. I so didn't feel good. So, I went to our bedroom and laid back for a while until Chris came home. Once he got home, I asked him to put out the remaining items and then joined him for dinner. I ate one carnita and then started a 2nd with no issues, until I was almost done with the 2nd. I had to leave and headed for the bathroom where dry heaves ensued.

Chris was so awesome! He cleaned everything up and told me to relax. Ever since that day, after dinner, I go into dry heaves and sometimes in the morning I go into dry heaves in the shower. I still get hungry but after I eat I feel sick. Oh, the joys!

This morning, though, things have changed. I was feeling pretty good until sometime in the middle of my shower I didn't feel so good anymore. After I brushed my teeth, I lost it in the sink and actually vomitted for the 1st time. The worst part about it is I had no food on my stomach so all I ended up throwing up was acid. Yuck!

It may seem like I'm complaining, but I'm honestly not. I asked God for morning sickness as a sign that the baby will be okay. I never had this degree of morning sickness with any of my past pregnancies. A bit of nausea with my last one, but never to this degree. So, while it isn't pleasant, I am grateful because I believe this is a sign that our baby is okay.

So happy!!

On Sunday, I went to the bathroom and found 2 small spots of pink on the TP after I wiped. Needless to say, especially after 3 losses, I flipped! Of course, Chris wasn't home. He was at work. I didn't want to unnecessarily worry him either....unless fully necessary. So, I wiped several more times throughout the day and even check internally with TP and found nothing---no more blood whether it be pink, red, or brown. I started to calm down, but I was still feeling paranoid--constantly checking my boobs, etc.

Monday morning, soon after the doctor's office opened, I called and left a message for my Ob's nurse to call me. She called fairly quick and I told her what happened. She was very understanding. She told me it was likely nothing, but to be on the safe side, Chris and I would have to forgo marital relations for a couple weeks. She would page the doctor and let her know in case she wanted me to do anything different.

Well, this morning the nurse called again and said that Dr. Quinn agreed with her, but we could run my hcG again if I wanted. I said yes, right away. Part of me was scared doing that because I liked the idea of living in blissful ignorance if something was wrong. However, I didn't want to be surprised like I was last time around and find out my baby died weeks after it happened. So....I went in for the bloodwork this morning.

I just got called back by the nurse again with the results. She seemed in a good mood, so I hoped that meant we had good news. We did!!! My hcG was 11,470!!! Awesome numbers for 6 weeks!! I'm so excited and happy! Yay baby! Yay God! Let's keep this baby cooking! :-)

Joy! Joy! Great Results!

I got my 2nd betas and progesterone back! Yee haw!

hcG=83 (more than doubled....doubling every 41 hours)
progesterone=22!!!!

Hopefully these numbers are a good sign of things to come. I can only hope!

Low #s

Well, I got my results back from yesterday and apparently the doc is a bit concerned about me having low numbers.

HcG--37
Progesterone--10.7

But, the doc didn't know I was only 10 dpo yesterday so I wonder if that makes a big difference. From all the research I've been able to do, I found out that my hcG is normal for 10 dpo. However, the progesterone number is a bit worrisome since it needs to be at least 10. The doc wants it at 15. I did just start the suppositories yesterday so hopefully that number goes up on Thursday. I'm also hoping my hcG more than doubles. Fingers are tightly crossed!!

OMG!! A BFP!!!

Oh my goodness!! This morning I took a pregnancy test with the full expectation that I would get a BFN (big fat negative). I was mentally prepared for it, although I hoped against hope it would be the opposite--a BFP! So sure was I that I would get a BFN, that I put the pregnancy test on the counter, finished getting ready, went into another room and eventually came back. I didn't stare watching and hoping as usual. I figured getting a BFN would help me end the "hope" that I might be pregnant this time around.

Surprise, surprise! When I went to look, there were two lines on my beautiful FRER pregnancy test! Woo hoo!

Since the D&C and after my first period after, Chris & I have been trying to get pregnant again. It hasn't been easy because my temps have been erratic and trying to determine ovulation has been exceedingly difficult. Last month, when my period started, I had a mini-meltdown on Chris. Poor guy! He puts up with me so well. He not only calmed me down but while talking I went back and recounted the number of months we had been trying since the D&C. It had only been 2 at that point (I had miscounted and was convinced it was 4), and I was relieved and hopeful again. On those 2 I had been drinking pomegranate juice as well. I had heard it helped a woman's CM (cervical mucus). Well, I did some research and found that while it helps a man's fertility, it can actually harm a woman's. Oh boy.

The next day I told Chris I had a plan. First off, I was getting rid of the juice! ;) Secondly, an every other day plan to make a baby. I figured that way if my chart was erratic once again, we would likely not miss the window. Apparently, I was right! First off, I ovulated a lot later than I normally do (like CD [cycle day] 17 or 18 instead of 14).

Anyhow, since 4 dpo (days past ovulation) I've been running a low grade temp every night. My temps have been higher in the morning like they should except at 7 dpo I had a dip (from 98.1 waking temp to 97.5). That had me hopeful because the only times in the past that has happened in my chart has been when I'm pregnant. Since about 8 dpo, I've been beyond exhausted every day. The fatigue....well, it has never been my favorite part but I'm grateful for it since I know it is a sign. I've also had some slight feelings of nausea in the evenings and my boobs are starting to get sore.

Now, I just hope and pray that this baby stays with us for all nine months! I also pray it is born in 9 months. I don't want another loss. But, I can't really control that. I guess I'll just need to be patient.

(I am not posting this until I make it past 10-12 weeks or unless [God forbid] we suffer another loss.)

Being Bipolar

Hello, my name is Denise and I'm bipolar. There I said it. For some of you, this will come as a surprise. For those closest to me, you've known for quite a while. :-)

When I was 25, in late 1996, I was diagnosed as Bipolar II. Many people think they know what being bipolar (or manic depressive) is like based on images they have seen on TV or movies or from people they may have known. However, the most publically portrayed version is Bipolar I--a full-blown manic depressive (full mania and clinical depression). I am type II--hypomania and clinical depression. One of the differences between the two, is that type II never has a mania episode on the scale of type I and has manic episodes less often and has more depressive episodes.

Since 1996 I have been on medication. It started with just Zoloft (I wasn't fully convinced I was Bipolar because my knowledge on manic depression only dealt with type I). I remember the first day that I realized the anti-depressant (Zoloft) was working. It was like a load had been lifted. I could see clearly and didn't feel so overwhelmed anymore. As early as 6th grade, I have battled with clinical depressions, but was never diagnosed. As early as 10th grade, I remember feeling as though I was living outside of myself--more like I was witnessing my life rather than being a part of the world. The Zoloft changed all that for me. All of a sudden I realized that the world I had been living in was NOT normal. I finally was experiencing normality.

A few months later, I realized the doctors were right and that I was Bipolar II after all (could be because I had averaged only 3 ours of sleep a night for 5 nights, had plenty of energy, and was starting my 8th project--with the 1st 7 being unfinished). So, I started a new medicine called Neurontin. Neurontin is not typically prescribed for a manic depressive. It was experimental in that type of treatment when I started it. However, it worked for me. I started with 300 mg 3 times a day. Over time I convinced a doctor to decrease me to 2x a day. Finally, I found a doctor who thought I was getting too much. Unbeknownst to me, it causes short term memory loss (I thought I was having issues because I was past 30) so the pdoc (psychiatrist) lowered my dose to 100 mg 2 x a day and it worked fine.

Since my diagnosis, I've done pretty well and stayed balanced. I no longer drink alcohol (well, maybe 2-5 times a year I'll have 1 drink) because it counteracts my medicine. I don't drink nearly as much caffeine for the same reason. The only times I've had issues is when I have moved and had problems locating a new pdoc quick enough and have gone temporarily off my meds (which may be a shock to my folks since I never told them I did that...sorry). But I always rushed back to them because I didn't feel right without them. I need them.

Well, because Chris and I are trying to have a baby, things have changed. I saw my pdoc last January, before we got married, and told her that we wanted to have a baby. I wanted to know what I should do about my meds. While Zoloft has been found to be safe (it works great for women with post-partum), Neurontin and all other drugs for mania can cause miscarriage and/or major birth defects. So, she took me off the Neurontin. I have now been off that medicine for 18 months. I am still hypomanic free, but I wonder how much longer this will last. The moment it starts up again, Chris and I will have to stop trying, while I attempt to get balanced again.

Trying to be a mom and having a mental disorder is not an easy road in terms of medication. I feel the pressure of the clock on me. Not only because I'm 38 but also because I'm Bipolar II and will need my meds again someday. I don't think it is an issue because of moods,etc. Unlike many people out there, meds worked for me right away. I love life and have learned how to cope with stressors these last nearly 14 years.

I just pray that God gives us a baby someday soon before time runs out...

(PS If you want to learn more about Bipolar II, please click the title of this entry)

Miscarriage Stats

Before I ever had my first miscarriage, I knew one was possible. I guess I knew because both my mom and sister had suffered one a piece. I didn't want it to happend, obviously, but having one seemed like a possiblity. Once I had the 1st, I figured I was in the clear and would not have any issues. Boy, was I wrong.

I wish I still had that since of naivete. But, I know longer possess it. Now, when I see a friend announce that they are pregnant, my first thought, if they are still in the 1st trimester, is...I hope they don't lose their baby. I didn't use to think this way. It makes me sad that I do. I used to feel joyful for them upon hearing the news despite where they were in their pregnancy. But having suffered loss 3 times, I fear that they will have that same loss, that same pain that, unless you have been there, no one else can quite comprehend.

Mother's Day was just a week ago. It was a day where I know in my heart that I am a mother. I am a mother of 3 angels in heaven. Yet, no one wished me a happy mother's day. I honestly didn't expect it, but I feel like I was a mom, even for a brief period of time.

Recently, I started thinking about the frequency of miscarriage. I once heard the stat that 30% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. I've even heard that it is likely more like 70% because many women are pregnant and lose their baby early in but think that their period is only 2 days late or so (chemical pregnancies). For now, though, let's deal with the 30% stat. I more recently read it is more like 20%. In my naivete, I interpreted this to mean that 20% of women (1 in 5) will suffer a miscarriage. That is pretty high when you think about it. However, it is higher than that. It isn't 20% of women, it is 20% of all pregnancies. That means it is quite likely that most women who get pregnant will likely suffer a miscarriage at sometime in her life.

Here are some other interesting stats:

Women have a ....

**75% chance of miscarriage at weeks 3 and 4 of pregnancy (when they are technically only 1-2 weeks pregnant).

**10% chance at weeks 5-8

**5% chance at weeks 8-14

For someone like me, who has had multiple losses and no live births, the stats are pretty scary.

**10-13% chance if you have had 1 loss
**40% chance if you have had 2 losses
**60% chance if you have had 3 or more losses.
**4 or more losses, a 5% chance of ever having a healthy pregnancy

This means, for me, I have more of a chance losing my next pregnancy than keeping it. Yikes! I keep praying that God will help us though. I told Chris that we will keep trying until I reach menopause and can't try anymore or we have a baby. Whichever happens first.

The 2 Week Wait (2ww)

Right now, I'm in the 2ww. What is that? Well, simply put. It is the 2 week time period between ovulation and a woman's period. Fun stuff, huh? I find it a bit annoying at times though.

When you are trying to conceive a baby, the 2ww can be torture. In my heart, I keep hoping I am pregnant, but I try not to think about the possibility and ignore everything else going on....particularly the "phantom symptoms". That can be difficult at times because I'll say I'm feeling a particular way and Chris will raise his eyebrows at me---like he suspects I may be pregnant as well. I find myself constantly denying I am although I am secretly hoping he is right.

The phantom symptoms are sometimes the worse. I call them phantom, but they aren't. I believe they are real symptoms. After a woman has her period, she gets an increase in progesterone. Progesterone is what causes a great deal of the symptoms. If a woman is pregnant, the hcG hormone (pregnancy hormone) signals an increase in progesterone leading to more or worse symptoms. Progesterone is what prevents the period from coming and signals the lining to stay in place.

During my 2nd pregnancy (ever brief that it was), we discovered I had low progesterone. My doctor prescribed progesterone suppositories (50 mg) to try and prevent miscarriage. It was too late and I lost the baby. (Honestly, though, I could have lost the baby because that was God's will as it was anyway). Now, starting at 10 dpo (days past ovulation), I have to put in the suppositories twice a day. Charting is very important for me to pinpoint the day I need to do this.

What this does to my body, I don't know. I do know that my symptoms sometimes increase after I start the suppositories. I always get more tired during the 2ww naturally, but when I'm pregnant and/or on the suppositories, I am downright exhausted in the afternoon and take lots of naps. Before my first pregnancy, my boobs never got sore during the 2ww. With my 1st pregnancy and my last, sore boobs were a huge symptom for me that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I will now occasionally have sore boobs whether I am pregnant or not. My doctor said that was normal once you have been pregnant. Yay. ;-)

So, here I am in the 2ww, hoping and praying I am pregnant, again, but not counting on it. With that I feel all sorts of emotions. Part of me gets excited at the prospect, while the other part of me is scared I will suffer another loss. I can never approach a pregnancy with wide-eyed innocence that I did in the past. The naivety that everything will turn out okay in 9 months and I'll hold a baby in my arms, for sure. I want that back, but I can't have it back. While I am hopeful I'm pregnant again, I get myself mentally ready that I'm not and Chris & I will try again the next month.

We should know soon if I am or not. I'm highly doubtful this time around because while I've been a bit tired, I have no other symptoms. So, I'm ready for my cycle to restart and move on for more fun trying again. The life of a woman trying to conceive is grand, right? ;)

Today I Was...

supposed to have a baby in my arms. In the last couple of weeks, I've become aware that I was nearing my 1st EDD (estimated due date) for my 1st loss. That day is here. It first dawned on me that it wasn't coming when the Census arrived. I realized that if we had stayed pregnant, I would have waited to fill in the census so that I could include our new baby. However, that obviously did not happen.

It is weird when you think of your loss on a day that you thought would be joyous. I'm not sad and weepy, just reflective. I wish we had kept that pregnancy, but it wasn't in God's plan for us. At the time, I chalked it up to that since I figured God just wanted Chris and I to be a married couple a while longer before becoming parents. But after 3 losses, I begin to question God's plan in this. I know he has one. I also feel called to be a mother. It is possible, though, that I never will be one. If that is the case, I'll have to come to accept it. In the meantime, we will keep trying until I reach menopause and becoming a mother is impossible. According to the doctors, thus far, there is nothing wrong with Chris or me that would prevent it from happening.

I've heard different information on miscarriages. One is that if you have had more than 2 miscarriages, the odds of you have another miscarriage is pretty high (a lot higher than for those who haven't had one). The other stat I've learned is that 97% of women who have gotten pregnant and miscarried, even multiple times, are able to carry at least one baby to term. I like that stat a lot, and it helps to give me hope. My hope now is that I will be pregnant with a healthy and growing baby the next time another EDD for a lost child comes along (July 26 & Sept 17).

My Obsession

I love genealogy! I will admit to getting obsessed by it as well. It really is my obsession. I can literally spend several hours in a row researching my family. Heck, not even my family, any one's family. It is a lot of fun looking into a family's history. When you tie it into the historical context of what was going on at that time, it can be quite remarkable. For example, today I discovered a distant female cousin who was a librarian for 40 years, most of it at Princeton University. She got a Master's degree in 1928. Something rare for a woman to do at that time in our history.

Why am I obsessed? I'm not sure. I know what drew me to genealogy though. In 1997, soon after my suicide attempt and bipolar diagnosis, I started pelting my parents with questions about our family history. My particular interest was in the mental health history of my family. I wanted to know how much genetics ruled my mental health. I knew my paternal grandfather killed himself. He did that when I was 15. What I learned though was that his father killed himself. I had heard about a "crazy" great-grandaunt and that my great-grandmother was somehow "off." I learned that my great-grandaunt was actually institutionalized for most of her life and until she died, but there was no official diagnosis.

As I kept looking into my family's history, I got more intrigued. Who was this person's father or mother? Where did they come from? Why did the move from Virginia to Tennessee? Why did they live in Arkansas go to Kansas only to move to Oklahoma? What brought my ancestors from England to Massachusetts in the 1630s?

Over these past 13 years, I've done my research in waves. I know I get obsessed. So, if I was busy with work, I couldn't do much research otherwise I couldn't focus on work or what needed to be done at home. These past several years have given me a lot of insight into my family's history and a lot of joy. I have discovered that I have a lot of Dutch ancestry...something I didn't know before. I've stumbled on info tying me to royalty in England (well, my mom found that with a little help from me). Something I found interesting is that on my father's side of the family, within the direct line, we all have itchy feet and the desire to move. It was rare that an ancestor stayed in one state beyond 2 generations. Whereas a good portion of my mother's family has been living in Missouri since the early 1800s in the same county. Heck, in one county, I am probably related to a good 60-70% of the population, we have been there so long.

I don't get people who don't find their family history remotely interesting. My sister is one of those. But, that is fine. I've even done some research for her mother-in-law, and thus my niece and nephew, and discovered they are distant nieces/nephews of Daniel Boone. Pretty cool and something I know they will appreciate growing up.

One thing I would love to do is someone's genealogy for them and get paid for it. I mean, doing something you love and getting paid for it? What could be better than that? I doubt that will ever happen, and I'm okay with that. Now...I better get back to my obsession. I have some family research to work on.

Reply Hazy, Try Again

This morning, we went to see the doctor to get the results from all the b/w (bloodwork) and the analysis of the embryonic tissue. We had the b/w and analysis done for 2 reasons. 1) To know why we miscarried in the first place and 2)To find out why I haven't been able to carry a baby to term.

After waiting for a long while in the office, the doctor came in with her news. She said I had no chromosonal abnormalities (woo hoo!) and everything else looked good. Unfortunately, they were unable to get information from the embryonic tissue because there wasn't enough. She said that was normal since I wasn't that far along.

The only information that she did give us that was new dealt with my IgM antibodies. While they ruled out any blood clotting conditions for me, they did discover that my IgM antibodies were slightly/mildly elevated. Dr. Quinn said that could cause clotting. But because it was mild, she doubted that was what caused the issue. However, she couldn't be sure. So, she wants me to start taking a baby aspirin every day. If that was the issue, then that would "fix" it by thinning out my blood more. If we get pregnant again, I'll continue with the aspirin until I'm 12 weeks along.

So, no clear answers as to why I keep losing babies. I've told God that he now has 3 new angels and to please let us keep the next one. We'll have to wait and see though. I do have hope though! I've had some dreams recently where I have a baby. This could be wishful dreaming, but I like to see it as a hopeful sign that I'm not out yet. My doctor also seems optimistic and hopeful about our chances.

We did decide to not see a fertility specialist unless we lose another baby. I don't know what good a fertility doctor would do anyway. Our religion limits the lengths we will go through to become pregnant. I also don't want the goal of being pregnant to be an obsession. I honestly believe that if God wants us to be parents, he will assist us in that. We'll see.

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I was admitted to ICU at Orange Park Hospital in Orange Park, Florida. As my day started on the 20th of February, I never anticipated that by early Saturday morning I would be in ICU.

Instead, I was excited!! My fiance was coming to see me. He couldn't come down for Valentine's day, so he was coming that weekend instead. We had been counting down to his visit and I was looking forward to his visit. How I got through a day of teaching my 1st graders, I don't know. We hadn't seen each other since January 2 (the longest we had been apart since our first date in July). I couldn't wait to pick him up at the airport.

My day went pretty quickly; however, trouble started around 2:25 p.m. that afternoon. At that moment, a headache came on and strong. I had over 30 children in my classroom ready to be dismissed at back drive (where parents drove and picked them up). I was losing my patience quickly, partly because each time I turned my head, I had this pulsing sensation in my head. After I left the kids at the dismissal point with another teacher covering for me, I headed home so I could take out Daisy Mae (my dog) and then head to the airport to get Chris. I took a couple of Motrin before I even left school and I hoped they would take effect soon. Once at the airport, not only did I still have a headache, but it was a bit worse. So, in a scramble (and after realizing Chris's flight was delayed by 15 minutes), I went to gift shop and bought more Motrin and took 2 of them.

Chris and I were able to visit with each other, but I could tell he was worried. He encouraged me to go to the doctor, but I said I would be fine. It was a weird bug and I was sure I'd feel better in the morning. We had dinner and then hung out on the couch spending time together. But by 9 p.m., not only was my headache still there (not one Motrin ever worked) but I was also tired and wanted to lay down. Chris was also tired. Chris, again, encouraged me to see the doctor right then. I said no. So, he went to the guest room as I went to my bedroom. Soon after getting in my room, I was freezing cold. I was in my PJs and under the covers and couldn't get warm. I tried to sleep but with an awful headache that only seemed to get worse and being cold, I couldn't.

Around 11 p.m. I had to use the restroom. So I went to my bathroom. I had problems walking there, as I was dizzy and unsteady. As soon as I sat on the toilet, I threw up every where and couldn't seem to stop. I knew that I needed to see a doctor and soon. I had never been this sick before in my life. As I held the wall and my furniture to walk, I changed my PJ pants which now how a ton of vomit on them. I sat on my bed, took my temperature (which was over 103), and yelled for Chris. I kept calling out for him until I heard him say he was on his way. He came right away to see what was going on. I told him I thought I needed to see the doctor. He agreed after I told him what had been going one with me. He threw on his jacket and went outside to warm up my car. Then he came and got me. I could barely walk. He had to help me walk.

From there we went to the hospital ER which was only 5-7 minutes away. I anticipated we would have to wait a while before being seen...isn't that how it always is? Instead, after telling them what was going on, they brought me back within 5 minutes. I couldn't walk anymore and they rolled me by wheelchair. After that, my memory gets very fuzzy. I know someone mentioned spinal meningitis, but don't remember when. I had to give them a urine sample and they sent Chris in with me to help. In our state at the time, neither of us thought to mention we weren't married and were waiting to be initmate until we were. However, Chris was a perfect gentleman and helped me on and off the toilet but hid his eyese otherwise. I remember being cold and put in a room where it seemed like we waited forever. Chris says they gave me drugs and they knocked me out like a light.

Around 5 a.m. or so, the doctors determined I had spinal meningitis and admitted me to the hospital and finally moved me to a room in ICU. While that was going on, Chris had the task of notifying my parents about what was going on. I spent 3 weeks + in the hospital from there. During my time in the hospital, it was discovered I had a hole in my skull and neurosurgery was done to correct the problem.

In all, I was away from work for 2 1/2 months. It was a difficult time for my family, friends, Chris, and myself. I am so grateful that God was there for us! I had many friends praying for me and people I didn't know also added their prayers. I never want to scare my family or Chris again like that if possible. It was a year ago, but doesn't seem like that long. I do have one side effect of that surgery--an inability to smell (I can taste for those wondering). But, all in all, if that is the payment I need so that I can live....I'll take it. Life is good and wonderful! I married my best friend a few months later and we are quite happy. I hope this next year, though, is a bit less eventful.

Post D&C

I'm sure the doctor told me how long I would have cramping/bleeding post D&C, but I don't remember. So, I looked it up on the internet and it said up to 2 weeks was normal. I even texted Amy, my sis, to ask her since she's been through it before too. She said it lasted a week for her. I wonder how long it will last for me.

The day of the D&C I had some bleeding and mild cramping. Nothing major and less than I expected. The next day there was no bleeding and no cramping, which quite frankly surprised me. Saturday I started cramping out of nowhere. It was fairly mild though and later I was spotting. The next day....nothing. Good, right? Well....on Monday, again the cramping started again. This time it was mild to medium and bleeding had picked up. I had that on Tuesday as well with more cramps by the evening (in the morning I had some bleeding but no cramping...boy, did that change!!).

Chris was worried about whether I should still be bleeding and/or cramping this long after the D&C. He encouraged me to call the doctor. I figured I would call on Thursday if it was still going on; however, today things changed.

This morning I scrubbed the Master bath and when I was done I decided to use the facilities. Before I flushed, I looked in the toilet (I don't know why!) and found a clot--about the size of a quarter and it looked as though it had tissue on it. This concerned me. So, I called the doctor's office and left a message. Michelle, my doc's nurse, called me back. She said it was likely just a big clot, nothing to worry about and that cramping and bleeding was normal. But, she would discuss it with Dr. Quinn to let her know and see if she wanted me to come in sooner, etc. Now, I patiently wait for Michelle to call back.

While on the phone with Michelle, she told me that she was going to call me today anyhow. She said some of the blood work had come back and they determined that the test for a blood clotting disorder came out normal. That is good news, but I was sort of disappointed. I was hoping that would be the answer to our problems. If it was, it would have been an easy fix. Well, at least we've ruled out one cause.

A Happy Valentine's!

For the first time since I was in high school, I had a date for Valentine's Day!! Woo hoo! Of course, my date was my husband. LOL! Last year, when we were engaged, we had a webcam date. So, not the same thing. He did fly to see me the very next weekend and we were supposed to have a date that weekend. However, life events nixed that idea when he took me to the hospital on Feb. 20 and I was diagnosed with spinal meningitis.

This year was much better than last or any other Valentine's Day in my past. We started off the morning with Mass (of course...we try to be good Catholics after all). Then we headed on home for fun and excitement! LOL! Not really. We exchanged Valentine's. Chris got me a Jim Shore angel....you can't go wrong getting me angels. I got him a basketful of goodies including chocolate and some fun boxer shorts. Then, Chris played on the computer and I took an hour long nap. Boy, I'm getting old. ;)

Our plans for the evening were to see a movie and then get dinner. We went to the 3:20 showing of "Valentine's Day", appropriate, huh? The theater was packed, even for the matinee. The movie was entertaining and cute. Even Chris gave it an "Okay" rating (which is pretty good coming from him--since he doesn't really like movies). After the movie, we went to O'Charley's for dinner. I know, real fancy, right? But we had eaten there 2 weeks ago and had this delicious steak. I wanted that steak again. I can't recommend it enough...the Louisiana Sirloin. Absolutely, positively, delicious!!! Mmmmmm....I was unable to finish so that left me with leftovers for lunch the next day. I like how that worked out. :-)

Overall it was a great and wonderful day. I love Chris so much. I love our life together! I know that Valentine's Day is somewhat of a fabricated holiday, but it is good for taking that time to reflect on how much you love a person too.

On Monday, we went furniture shopping. About 3 weeks ago, we went to Stahl's and ordered a couch, chair, and ottoman that should arrive sometime in March. So, yesterday we went to Ashley Furniture and ordered a coffee table, 2 end tables, and an entertainment console. I can't wait until we pull together our living room!! We still need to get chairs for our kitchen and twin beds for our guest room, but that will happen soon.

When we got home yesterday, I was exhausted and slept for 2 hours. I also had some gnarly cramps and bleeding again. From the research I've done, I could have cramps and bleeding for up to 2 weeks past D&C. I'm ready for that part to be done. The good news was that last night I was able to get my wedding rings back on. Since I was 6 weeks pregnant (a little over 3 weeks ago), I was bloating so bad that I needed to take them off (for fear that if I didn't they would have to be cut off). I'm glad I'm debloating now and can wear my wedding rings again.

Anyhow, I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day!! :-)

Another Loss

Last Friday, Chris & I went to the doctor for our 8 week ultrasound and first meet with her. We were excited, although I was still paranoid. I thought I shouldn't be. After all, my 2nd betas were good (285) and everything seemed normal. I was still symptomatic and had no spotting. But a part of me was fearful that I wouldn't see a heartbeat.

Well, my fears were realized when the ultrasound came up that morning. No heartbeat. The baby stopped growing at 6 wks 2 days. Heartbreak! I started crying and Chris held me close as my fears were realized. Afterward, we met with the doctor who was very sympathetic. We discussed blood tests since it was my 3rd loss and scheduled a D & C so that she could collect the tissue to analyze. The D&C was scheduled for February 11. I would be 8 weeks and 5 days.

The grief at first was overwhelming. It hurt so much and would come in waves. Sometimes I could laugh, other times all I wanted to do was cry. Then I got angry. Very angry at God! I couldn't understand what I have done that is so wrong that would make Him keep taking babies from us. After all, there are drug addicts who were able to carry a baby to term. I let go of the anger though. It is still hard to understand, but I know God always has a purpose.

We went in one more time for another ultrasound the day before the D&C to "make sure." But I knew. I've been charting to get pregnant and knew that the age of the baby was correct. So I knew there was no way that I was wrong and that the baby would develop further. We were right. But it was nice seeing the baby one more time to say goodbye.

Then, I had the D&C. I'm glad that is done. Now, Chris & I can move on from the loss. It feels weird having an empty uterus again, but I'm hoping we can fill it again with a baby that this time will grow with us and be born healthy after 9 months.

The doctor wants us to wait to try again until after I have my first period. Now, I'm trying to figure out how NFP works in this particular situation. I'll do my best charting to prevent pregnancy for once. But if I do get pregnant again during this time, it won't be the end of the world. My doctor seemed most concerned with being able to date the next pregnancy.

We go back on March 1 to meet with the doctor to go over the results of the blood tests and the analysis of the tissue. We are hoping for an answer. One that is an "easy" fix to my apparent inability to carry a baby to term. I pray that God will help the doctors find that answer for us.

Paranoia!

Okay, I feel like I've gone totally paranoid.

I find myself wondering if I might miscarry, again, nearly ever other minute of the day. I keep checking my boobs to make sure they still hurt and that symptom is still there (with my 1st m/c I lost the symptoms the same day I lost the baby).

Yesterday I was worried because I didn't feel very nauseous or as tired as usual. I thought it was a bad sign.

Everytime I go to the bathroom, I check my TP to make sure that there is no blood on it.

I hope that getting my 2nd betas tomorrow will help reassure me. I doubt it though.

3rd Time the Charm??

Tuesday was happy day for me. Shocking in some ways. I had taken a Dollar Tree HPT the day before and got a BFN (big fat negative). I took another that morning. And yes, I got yet another BFN. Later in the day I decided to look up on the internet how much hcG (the pregnancy hormone) was needed to give a positive on one of those Dollar Tree tests. In my search, I ran across a gal's website where she mentioned doing an experiment on the effectiveness on those tests and that of the First Response (FRER) tests. It turns out FRERs are more effective.

Anyhow, after I saw that article, I went grocery shopping. On my way home, I stopped at Wal-Mart (because their prices are better than Schnuck's) and picked up a 3-pack of FRERs. I figured in the morning I would take another HPT. Later that same day, as I was cleaning the master bath I realized I needed to use the facilities. Before I went, I decided, what the heck, I'll take the FRER HPT for the fun of it. (Yes, I am addicted to peeing on a stick [POAS]). So, I did.
I took the test with me into the bedroom and laid it on my nightstand as I patiently waited until it was 3:00 p.m. At 3, I took a look....

A BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It said I was pregnant!

Since Chris and I got married in July, we had 2 pregnancies....one, a honeymoon baby that I lost at 4 wks 3 days. The other in October that I lost at 4 wks 1 day. Two chemical pregnancies (CPs). I was excited and happy and shocked, especially since I was only 11 dpo (days past ovulation). I ended up calling the doctor's office to arrange for some bloodwork to check my hcG levels and my progesterone (I'm on suppositories because with the 2nd pregnancy it was discovered I have low progesterone). I dealt with an exceptionally rude nurse. Grrr....

When Chris got home, I couldn't hold back and I told him the good news. You could tell he was happy, but also not certain because of all we have gone through in the past.

The next day, 12 dpo [dpo=days past ovulation], I got a call back from a nice nurse, Michelle, who told me that Dr. Quin (my ob/gyn) wanted me to get bloodwork. Yay! On Thursday, Michelle called to tell me my numbers....

hcg (12 dpo)=112
progesterone=14.96

Good numbers!

I went back on Friday (14 dpo) for my 2nd set of b/w. The results weren't in yet before the weekend. So, I am now patiently (or not so patiently) awaiting those results that I won't get until Monday.

Everything seems to be going well so far. My boobs hurt and feel like laying on rocks at times. I'm exhausted MOST of the time. I also have light cramping. Oh, and I'm constantly worried I might lose this baby. I keep praying to God that the 3rd time is the charm. I hope it is! I pray it is! I think I may feel a bit better once I get my 2nd set of numbers. I know I'll feel better once I see the baby in an u/s (ultrasound).