Right now, I'm in the 2ww. What is that? Well, simply put. It is the 2 week time period between ovulation and a woman's period. Fun stuff, huh? I find it a bit annoying at times though.
When you are trying to conceive a baby, the 2ww can be torture. In my heart, I keep hoping I am pregnant, but I try not to think about the possibility and ignore everything else going on....particularly the "phantom symptoms". That can be difficult at times because I'll say I'm feeling a particular way and Chris will raise his eyebrows at me---like he suspects I may be pregnant as well. I find myself constantly denying I am although I am secretly hoping he is right.
The phantom symptoms are sometimes the worse. I call them phantom, but they aren't. I believe they are real symptoms. After a woman has her period, she gets an increase in progesterone. Progesterone is what causes a great deal of the symptoms. If a woman is pregnant, the hcG hormone (pregnancy hormone) signals an increase in progesterone leading to more or worse symptoms. Progesterone is what prevents the period from coming and signals the lining to stay in place.
During my 2nd pregnancy (ever brief that it was), we discovered I had low progesterone. My doctor prescribed progesterone suppositories (50 mg) to try and prevent miscarriage. It was too late and I lost the baby. (Honestly, though, I could have lost the baby because that was God's will as it was anyway). Now, starting at 10 dpo (days past ovulation), I have to put in the suppositories twice a day. Charting is very important for me to pinpoint the day I need to do this.
What this does to my body, I don't know. I do know that my symptoms sometimes increase after I start the suppositories. I always get more tired during the 2ww naturally, but when I'm pregnant and/or on the suppositories, I am downright exhausted in the afternoon and take lots of naps. Before my first pregnancy, my boobs never got sore during the 2ww. With my 1st pregnancy and my last, sore boobs were a huge symptom for me that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I will now occasionally have sore boobs whether I am pregnant or not. My doctor said that was normal once you have been pregnant. Yay. ;-)
So, here I am in the 2ww, hoping and praying I am pregnant, again, but not counting on it. With that I feel all sorts of emotions. Part of me gets excited at the prospect, while the other part of me is scared I will suffer another loss. I can never approach a pregnancy with wide-eyed innocence that I did in the past. The naivety that everything will turn out okay in 9 months and I'll hold a baby in my arms, for sure. I want that back, but I can't have it back. While I am hopeful I'm pregnant again, I get myself mentally ready that I'm not and Chris & I will try again the next month.
We should know soon if I am or not. I'm highly doubtful this time around because while I've been a bit tired, I have no other symptoms. So, I'm ready for my cycle to restart and move on for more fun trying again. The life of a woman trying to conceive is grand, right? ;)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Today I Was...
supposed to have a baby in my arms. In the last couple of weeks, I've become aware that I was nearing my 1st EDD (estimated due date) for my 1st loss. That day is here. It first dawned on me that it wasn't coming when the Census arrived. I realized that if we had stayed pregnant, I would have waited to fill in the census so that I could include our new baby. However, that obviously did not happen.
It is weird when you think of your loss on a day that you thought would be joyous. I'm not sad and weepy, just reflective. I wish we had kept that pregnancy, but it wasn't in God's plan for us. At the time, I chalked it up to that since I figured God just wanted Chris and I to be a married couple a while longer before becoming parents. But after 3 losses, I begin to question God's plan in this. I know he has one. I also feel called to be a mother. It is possible, though, that I never will be one. If that is the case, I'll have to come to accept it. In the meantime, we will keep trying until I reach menopause and becoming a mother is impossible. According to the doctors, thus far, there is nothing wrong with Chris or me that would prevent it from happening.
I've heard different information on miscarriages. One is that if you have had more than 2 miscarriages, the odds of you have another miscarriage is pretty high (a lot higher than for those who haven't had one). The other stat I've learned is that 97% of women who have gotten pregnant and miscarried, even multiple times, are able to carry at least one baby to term. I like that stat a lot, and it helps to give me hope. My hope now is that I will be pregnant with a healthy and growing baby the next time another EDD for a lost child comes along (July 26 & Sept 17).
It is weird when you think of your loss on a day that you thought would be joyous. I'm not sad and weepy, just reflective. I wish we had kept that pregnancy, but it wasn't in God's plan for us. At the time, I chalked it up to that since I figured God just wanted Chris and I to be a married couple a while longer before becoming parents. But after 3 losses, I begin to question God's plan in this. I know he has one. I also feel called to be a mother. It is possible, though, that I never will be one. If that is the case, I'll have to come to accept it. In the meantime, we will keep trying until I reach menopause and becoming a mother is impossible. According to the doctors, thus far, there is nothing wrong with Chris or me that would prevent it from happening.
I've heard different information on miscarriages. One is that if you have had more than 2 miscarriages, the odds of you have another miscarriage is pretty high (a lot higher than for those who haven't had one). The other stat I've learned is that 97% of women who have gotten pregnant and miscarried, even multiple times, are able to carry at least one baby to term. I like that stat a lot, and it helps to give me hope. My hope now is that I will be pregnant with a healthy and growing baby the next time another EDD for a lost child comes along (July 26 & Sept 17).
Sunday, March 14, 2010
My Obsession
I love genealogy! I will admit to getting obsessed by it as well. It really is my obsession. I can literally spend several hours in a row researching my family. Heck, not even my family, any one's family. It is a lot of fun looking into a family's history. When you tie it into the historical context of what was going on at that time, it can be quite remarkable. For example, today I discovered a distant female cousin who was a librarian for 40 years, most of it at Princeton University. She got a Master's degree in 1928. Something rare for a woman to do at that time in our history.
Why am I obsessed? I'm not sure. I know what drew me to genealogy though. In 1997, soon after my suicide attempt and bipolar diagnosis, I started pelting my parents with questions about our family history. My particular interest was in the mental health history of my family. I wanted to know how much genetics ruled my mental health. I knew my paternal grandfather killed himself. He did that when I was 15. What I learned though was that his father killed himself. I had heard about a "crazy" great-grandaunt and that my great-grandmother was somehow "off." I learned that my great-grandaunt was actually institutionalized for most of her life and until she died, but there was no official diagnosis.
As I kept looking into my family's history, I got more intrigued. Who was this person's father or mother? Where did they come from? Why did the move from Virginia to Tennessee? Why did they live in Arkansas go to Kansas only to move to Oklahoma? What brought my ancestors from England to Massachusetts in the 1630s?
Over these past 13 years, I've done my research in waves. I know I get obsessed. So, if I was busy with work, I couldn't do much research otherwise I couldn't focus on work or what needed to be done at home. These past several years have given me a lot of insight into my family's history and a lot of joy. I have discovered that I have a lot of Dutch ancestry...something I didn't know before. I've stumbled on info tying me to royalty in England (well, my mom found that with a little help from me). Something I found interesting is that on my father's side of the family, within the direct line, we all have itchy feet and the desire to move. It was rare that an ancestor stayed in one state beyond 2 generations. Whereas a good portion of my mother's family has been living in Missouri since the early 1800s in the same county. Heck, in one county, I am probably related to a good 60-70% of the population, we have been there so long.
I don't get people who don't find their family history remotely interesting. My sister is one of those. But, that is fine. I've even done some research for her mother-in-law, and thus my niece and nephew, and discovered they are distant nieces/nephews of Daniel Boone. Pretty cool and something I know they will appreciate growing up.
One thing I would love to do is someone's genealogy for them and get paid for it. I mean, doing something you love and getting paid for it? What could be better than that? I doubt that will ever happen, and I'm okay with that. Now...I better get back to my obsession. I have some family research to work on.
Why am I obsessed? I'm not sure. I know what drew me to genealogy though. In 1997, soon after my suicide attempt and bipolar diagnosis, I started pelting my parents with questions about our family history. My particular interest was in the mental health history of my family. I wanted to know how much genetics ruled my mental health. I knew my paternal grandfather killed himself. He did that when I was 15. What I learned though was that his father killed himself. I had heard about a "crazy" great-grandaunt and that my great-grandmother was somehow "off." I learned that my great-grandaunt was actually institutionalized for most of her life and until she died, but there was no official diagnosis.
As I kept looking into my family's history, I got more intrigued. Who was this person's father or mother? Where did they come from? Why did the move from Virginia to Tennessee? Why did they live in Arkansas go to Kansas only to move to Oklahoma? What brought my ancestors from England to Massachusetts in the 1630s?
Over these past 13 years, I've done my research in waves. I know I get obsessed. So, if I was busy with work, I couldn't do much research otherwise I couldn't focus on work or what needed to be done at home. These past several years have given me a lot of insight into my family's history and a lot of joy. I have discovered that I have a lot of Dutch ancestry...something I didn't know before. I've stumbled on info tying me to royalty in England (well, my mom found that with a little help from me). Something I found interesting is that on my father's side of the family, within the direct line, we all have itchy feet and the desire to move. It was rare that an ancestor stayed in one state beyond 2 generations. Whereas a good portion of my mother's family has been living in Missouri since the early 1800s in the same county. Heck, in one county, I am probably related to a good 60-70% of the population, we have been there so long.
I don't get people who don't find their family history remotely interesting. My sister is one of those. But, that is fine. I've even done some research for her mother-in-law, and thus my niece and nephew, and discovered they are distant nieces/nephews of Daniel Boone. Pretty cool and something I know they will appreciate growing up.
One thing I would love to do is someone's genealogy for them and get paid for it. I mean, doing something you love and getting paid for it? What could be better than that? I doubt that will ever happen, and I'm okay with that. Now...I better get back to my obsession. I have some family research to work on.
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