Being Bipolar

Hello, my name is Denise and I'm bipolar. There I said it. For some of you, this will come as a surprise. For those closest to me, you've known for quite a while. :-)

When I was 25, in late 1996, I was diagnosed as Bipolar II. Many people think they know what being bipolar (or manic depressive) is like based on images they have seen on TV or movies or from people they may have known. However, the most publically portrayed version is Bipolar I--a full-blown manic depressive (full mania and clinical depression). I am type II--hypomania and clinical depression. One of the differences between the two, is that type II never has a mania episode on the scale of type I and has manic episodes less often and has more depressive episodes.

Since 1996 I have been on medication. It started with just Zoloft (I wasn't fully convinced I was Bipolar because my knowledge on manic depression only dealt with type I). I remember the first day that I realized the anti-depressant (Zoloft) was working. It was like a load had been lifted. I could see clearly and didn't feel so overwhelmed anymore. As early as 6th grade, I have battled with clinical depressions, but was never diagnosed. As early as 10th grade, I remember feeling as though I was living outside of myself--more like I was witnessing my life rather than being a part of the world. The Zoloft changed all that for me. All of a sudden I realized that the world I had been living in was NOT normal. I finally was experiencing normality.

A few months later, I realized the doctors were right and that I was Bipolar II after all (could be because I had averaged only 3 ours of sleep a night for 5 nights, had plenty of energy, and was starting my 8th project--with the 1st 7 being unfinished). So, I started a new medicine called Neurontin. Neurontin is not typically prescribed for a manic depressive. It was experimental in that type of treatment when I started it. However, it worked for me. I started with 300 mg 3 times a day. Over time I convinced a doctor to decrease me to 2x a day. Finally, I found a doctor who thought I was getting too much. Unbeknownst to me, it causes short term memory loss (I thought I was having issues because I was past 30) so the pdoc (psychiatrist) lowered my dose to 100 mg 2 x a day and it worked fine.

Since my diagnosis, I've done pretty well and stayed balanced. I no longer drink alcohol (well, maybe 2-5 times a year I'll have 1 drink) because it counteracts my medicine. I don't drink nearly as much caffeine for the same reason. The only times I've had issues is when I have moved and had problems locating a new pdoc quick enough and have gone temporarily off my meds (which may be a shock to my folks since I never told them I did that...sorry). But I always rushed back to them because I didn't feel right without them. I need them.

Well, because Chris and I are trying to have a baby, things have changed. I saw my pdoc last January, before we got married, and told her that we wanted to have a baby. I wanted to know what I should do about my meds. While Zoloft has been found to be safe (it works great for women with post-partum), Neurontin and all other drugs for mania can cause miscarriage and/or major birth defects. So, she took me off the Neurontin. I have now been off that medicine for 18 months. I am still hypomanic free, but I wonder how much longer this will last. The moment it starts up again, Chris and I will have to stop trying, while I attempt to get balanced again.

Trying to be a mom and having a mental disorder is not an easy road in terms of medication. I feel the pressure of the clock on me. Not only because I'm 38 but also because I'm Bipolar II and will need my meds again someday. I don't think it is an issue because of moods,etc. Unlike many people out there, meds worked for me right away. I love life and have learned how to cope with stressors these last nearly 14 years.

I just pray that God gives us a baby someday soon before time runs out...

(PS If you want to learn more about Bipolar II, please click the title of this entry)