Authenticity

Who are you? Are you the same person in forums, on Facebook, Twitter, or dating sites that you are in real life? Who are you really? Do you portray yourself differently online, thus creating a separate identity, or do you stay true to yourself?

For the last several years, I have spent a lot of time on various websites interacting with people across the country and around the world.  One thing I always attempt to do is remain true to myself. I see myself as an open book in most respects.  I don't hide who I am. I put it out there. I act as I do in real life. Additionally, I treat others as I would in real life. If I am calling someone out online, it is likely that I would do the same in real life if the same circumstances presented themselves. Basically, I try to live and act authentically in all my interactions with people, whether they be in person, on the phone, or even online.

Now, I will say that with different situations and people you will likely see a different side of me.  With my husband, I feel the most free to express myself fully and completely because I know he won't judge me. He knows me, my intent, and what I mean.  I know that even if we disagree, he will still love me.

On Facebook, while I will put my views out there on some issues, I often keep some thoughts to myself because I don't want to argue with others. Many of my Facebook friends are extremely conservative. I, on the other hand, am liberal. No longer am I interested in getting in heated arguments with people. All those arguments result in is a stressed out me, and the arguments make me question why I'm friends with some people.

When I get on Twitter, I feel the most free to be me in an online community. It really is the most authentic I can be online because there I do not worry about offending others. While I try to be respectful, in general, I feel I can really express myself without being concerned about arguing with others or being judged for my views.

I realize that we all are this way, showing one side of our personalities given the environment we are in at the time. Again, what I do try to do, no matter what scenario I am in, is remain true to who I am. My goal is to be authentic, to be me.  I make mistakes and need to apologize for them. No one is perfect, but I believe it is important to be the same person in real life as you are online.

Unfortunately, I have found that others do not share this same attitude. Some people seem to feel the need to be irreverent to others that disagree with them or are different than them. They can be mean-spirited, bullies, and/or judgmental online.  What confuses me most is when you have met one of these people and in person they seem different than their online persona. These online bullies can often seem to be the nicest people in real life. I wonder how they can reconcile their rude behaviors online with how they act every day. Do they not see the difference? Or are they not being authentic in real life? Is that online personality more true to themselves than in real situations, but they are better at hiding it? Why do people feel justified in treating others with disrespect in this manner? What does it serve?

If your online behavior is selfish, rude, irreverent, disrespectful toward others or even me, bullying, or overly judgmental, I will likely want to have very little to do with you in real life no matter how nice you seem. Personally, I prefer dealing with people who are authentic, to themselves and others. I wish others felt the same.

Trying for Another

When Chris and I got married, we knew we wanted to have children. We planned to start right away because I was already 37 and not getting any younger.  Because of my age, we figured that it might take us a while to get pregnant, and even had come to terms with the fact that we might not be able to conceive. Needless to say, we were quite surprised to find out we got pregnant on our honeymoon. Shock, surprise, and delight were the emotions that filled us up at that time.  We ended up telling our families right away. We wanted to shout it out from the rooftops.  Our joy was short-lived though. Two days after confirming our pregnancy, I started bleeding and ended up losing the baby.

The pain that followed was tough. Not only did Chris and I have to mourn the loss of what might have been, but we had to go back and tell our families about our loss.  I was crushed, but hopeful. To me, the fact that I got pregnant so easily was a good sign. My fertility was still in place. We should be able to get pregnant and have a baby. So, I kept praying that we would get pregnant again. And, we did. Twice more. Two more losses. For our first two pregnancies, we didn't make it past 4 1/2 weeks. The last loss, our third, was the hardest. We made it to 8 weeks, or so I thought, when we discovered the baby died at 6 weeks. I was devastated and so was Chris.

As we healed and prepared to try again, I changed my prayer to God. I stopped asking Him for a pregnancy. He had already granted me three of those. Instead, I got very specific and asked Him for a full-term pregnancy that would result in a child that we would be able to raise into adulthood with His love and guidance.  I also asked Him for no more losses. I told God that I would much prefer not to conceive than to lose another baby.

Even now, those losses are hard. I still remember each due date. I still remember the hope. I still wonder if my babies are angels in heaven, and if I will ever get to meet them someday. Truthfully, I believe they are angels now.

It has now been nearly 9 months since we had Ginny. The doctor told us to wait 9 months before we tried to conceive again. She felt that my body would need time to heal and fully recover before undergoing another C-section. Chris and I want to have at least one more baby.  We are hopeful that we will be able to provide Ginny with a sibling, something we both want for her. However, I am now 40. At 40, the odds of conceiving drop, and it is more likely that if we do conceive that we will miscarry.  We are ready to start trying again, but I am scared that we will face the same losses again. Obviously, we don't want anymore losses. I would much rather not get pregnant again than to lose another baby. The pain is just too much.

Again, I am asking for God's help and guidance in this next attempt to have a child. My prayer has shifted a bit as well. "Dear God, Please help Chris and I conceive a baby that we will carry to term. A baby that we will raise into adulthood with Your love and guidance. Please also grant us this baby so that Ginny has a sibling that will be with her throughout her life. Amen."

"Meet Me on Monday"

Another blogger I follow, Mouthy Barber Mom, started playing a question game today. I liked the idea so much that I decided to do it myself. If you are a blogger too, try it as well. ;) Here we go.

Questions:

1.  Wrapping paper or gift bags?

I'm starting to become a huge lover of gift bags! But, I still like wrapping gifts in paper (provided I have the time) with beautiful bows.

2.  Real or artificial tree?

Artificial. I lived in apartments for years that didn't allow live trees due to the fire hazard. Besides, I'm very allergic to pine trees. I don't want to be in pain or have an asthma attack at Christmas.

3.  When do you put your tree up?

The Saturday after Thanksgiving....always!!

4.  When do you take your tree down?

That has been a matter of debate in our house. My husband leans toward New Year's Day (or soon after). I shoot for the 12th Day of Christmas--January 6.  So, somewhere between then, usually.

5.  Do you like eggnog?

Heck, no! Gross.

6.  Do you have a nativity scene?

Yes.  We actually have 2 of them.  I don't have the one I dream of though. I'd love to have the Willow Tree Nativity scene someday. Love it!

7.  Favorite Christmas Movie?

Depends on the year. I love so many. Right now it has to be "White Christmas". I adore old movies.

8.  Favorite Christmas cookie?

Sugar cookies with icing on them. A close second are oatmeal raisin cookies that I make (my mom's recipe).

9.  Where will you eat Christmas dinner?

We will be going to my brother-in-law's house and have a celebration there before Christmas this year (with dinner).  However, for the first time since knowing each other, Chris and I will be having a Christmas dinner at home on Christmas day. I'm so excited!

10.  Angel, bow or star on top of your tree?

Angel.  I grew up with angels on the tree.  I can't imagine it any other way, especially since I adore angels!

11.  Most annoying thing about this time of the year?

The insanity at the stores where people who should know how to be civil and polite suddenly forget.

12.  Do you like Fruitcake?

I honestly don't know. I've never tried it.  I love my family's pork sausage cake (German tradition passed on for generations).  I used to think it was fruitcake, but have since realized it is not. ;)

13.  What are you most excited about the holidays?

Seeing Ginny's response to everything and opening her presents with her.

14.  Do you open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?

Christmas morning, of course! After all, Santa doesn't arrive until Christmas morning.

15.  Will you still be wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?

Nope. I have to have all my wrapping done before we leave for Iowa to see my in-laws.