Trying for Another

When Chris and I got married, we knew we wanted to have children. We planned to start right away because I was already 37 and not getting any younger.  Because of my age, we figured that it might take us a while to get pregnant, and even had come to terms with the fact that we might not be able to conceive. Needless to say, we were quite surprised to find out we got pregnant on our honeymoon. Shock, surprise, and delight were the emotions that filled us up at that time.  We ended up telling our families right away. We wanted to shout it out from the rooftops.  Our joy was short-lived though. Two days after confirming our pregnancy, I started bleeding and ended up losing the baby.

The pain that followed was tough. Not only did Chris and I have to mourn the loss of what might have been, but we had to go back and tell our families about our loss.  I was crushed, but hopeful. To me, the fact that I got pregnant so easily was a good sign. My fertility was still in place. We should be able to get pregnant and have a baby. So, I kept praying that we would get pregnant again. And, we did. Twice more. Two more losses. For our first two pregnancies, we didn't make it past 4 1/2 weeks. The last loss, our third, was the hardest. We made it to 8 weeks, or so I thought, when we discovered the baby died at 6 weeks. I was devastated and so was Chris.

As we healed and prepared to try again, I changed my prayer to God. I stopped asking Him for a pregnancy. He had already granted me three of those. Instead, I got very specific and asked Him for a full-term pregnancy that would result in a child that we would be able to raise into adulthood with His love and guidance.  I also asked Him for no more losses. I told God that I would much prefer not to conceive than to lose another baby.

Even now, those losses are hard. I still remember each due date. I still remember the hope. I still wonder if my babies are angels in heaven, and if I will ever get to meet them someday. Truthfully, I believe they are angels now.

It has now been nearly 9 months since we had Ginny. The doctor told us to wait 9 months before we tried to conceive again. She felt that my body would need time to heal and fully recover before undergoing another C-section. Chris and I want to have at least one more baby.  We are hopeful that we will be able to provide Ginny with a sibling, something we both want for her. However, I am now 40. At 40, the odds of conceiving drop, and it is more likely that if we do conceive that we will miscarry.  We are ready to start trying again, but I am scared that we will face the same losses again. Obviously, we don't want anymore losses. I would much rather not get pregnant again than to lose another baby. The pain is just too much.

Again, I am asking for God's help and guidance in this next attempt to have a child. My prayer has shifted a bit as well. "Dear God, Please help Chris and I conceive a baby that we will carry to term. A baby that we will raise into adulthood with Your love and guidance. Please also grant us this baby so that Ginny has a sibling that will be with her throughout her life. Amen."