Before I ever had my first miscarriage, I knew one was possible. I guess I knew because both my mom and sister had suffered one a piece. I didn't want it to happend, obviously, but having one seemed like a possiblity. Once I had the 1st, I figured I was in the clear and would not have any issues. Boy, was I wrong.
I wish I still had that since of naivete. But, I know longer possess it. Now, when I see a friend announce that they are pregnant, my first thought, if they are still in the 1st trimester, is...I hope they don't lose their baby. I didn't use to think this way. It makes me sad that I do. I used to feel joyful for them upon hearing the news despite where they were in their pregnancy. But having suffered loss 3 times, I fear that they will have that same loss, that same pain that, unless you have been there, no one else can quite comprehend.
Mother's Day was just a week ago. It was a day where I know in my heart that I am a mother. I am a mother of 3 angels in heaven. Yet, no one wished me a happy mother's day. I honestly didn't expect it, but I feel like I was a mom, even for a brief period of time.
Recently, I started thinking about the frequency of miscarriage. I once heard the stat that 30% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. I've even heard that it is likely more like 70% because many women are pregnant and lose their baby early in but think that their period is only 2 days late or so (chemical pregnancies). For now, though, let's deal with the 30% stat. I more recently read it is more like 20%. In my naivete, I interpreted this to mean that 20% of women (1 in 5) will suffer a miscarriage. That is pretty high when you think about it. However, it is higher than that. It isn't 20% of women, it is 20% of all pregnancies. That means it is quite likely that most women who get pregnant will likely suffer a miscarriage at sometime in her life.
Here are some other interesting stats:
Women have a ....
**75% chance of miscarriage at weeks 3 and 4 of pregnancy (when they are technically only 1-2 weeks pregnant).
**10% chance at weeks 5-8
**5% chance at weeks 8-14
For someone like me, who has had multiple losses and no live births, the stats are pretty scary.
**10-13% chance if you have had 1 loss
**40% chance if you have had 2 losses
**60% chance if you have had 3 or more losses.
**4 or more losses, a 5% chance of ever having a healthy pregnancy
This means, for me, I have more of a chance losing my next pregnancy than keeping it. Yikes! I keep praying that God will help us though. I told Chris that we will keep trying until I reach menopause and can't try anymore or we have a baby. Whichever happens first.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The 2 Week Wait (2ww)
Right now, I'm in the 2ww. What is that? Well, simply put. It is the 2 week time period between ovulation and a woman's period. Fun stuff, huh? I find it a bit annoying at times though.
When you are trying to conceive a baby, the 2ww can be torture. In my heart, I keep hoping I am pregnant, but I try not to think about the possibility and ignore everything else going on....particularly the "phantom symptoms". That can be difficult at times because I'll say I'm feeling a particular way and Chris will raise his eyebrows at me---like he suspects I may be pregnant as well. I find myself constantly denying I am although I am secretly hoping he is right.
The phantom symptoms are sometimes the worse. I call them phantom, but they aren't. I believe they are real symptoms. After a woman has her period, she gets an increase in progesterone. Progesterone is what causes a great deal of the symptoms. If a woman is pregnant, the hcG hormone (pregnancy hormone) signals an increase in progesterone leading to more or worse symptoms. Progesterone is what prevents the period from coming and signals the lining to stay in place.
During my 2nd pregnancy (ever brief that it was), we discovered I had low progesterone. My doctor prescribed progesterone suppositories (50 mg) to try and prevent miscarriage. It was too late and I lost the baby. (Honestly, though, I could have lost the baby because that was God's will as it was anyway). Now, starting at 10 dpo (days past ovulation), I have to put in the suppositories twice a day. Charting is very important for me to pinpoint the day I need to do this.
What this does to my body, I don't know. I do know that my symptoms sometimes increase after I start the suppositories. I always get more tired during the 2ww naturally, but when I'm pregnant and/or on the suppositories, I am downright exhausted in the afternoon and take lots of naps. Before my first pregnancy, my boobs never got sore during the 2ww. With my 1st pregnancy and my last, sore boobs were a huge symptom for me that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I will now occasionally have sore boobs whether I am pregnant or not. My doctor said that was normal once you have been pregnant. Yay. ;-)
So, here I am in the 2ww, hoping and praying I am pregnant, again, but not counting on it. With that I feel all sorts of emotions. Part of me gets excited at the prospect, while the other part of me is scared I will suffer another loss. I can never approach a pregnancy with wide-eyed innocence that I did in the past. The naivety that everything will turn out okay in 9 months and I'll hold a baby in my arms, for sure. I want that back, but I can't have it back. While I am hopeful I'm pregnant again, I get myself mentally ready that I'm not and Chris & I will try again the next month.
We should know soon if I am or not. I'm highly doubtful this time around because while I've been a bit tired, I have no other symptoms. So, I'm ready for my cycle to restart and move on for more fun trying again. The life of a woman trying to conceive is grand, right? ;)
When you are trying to conceive a baby, the 2ww can be torture. In my heart, I keep hoping I am pregnant, but I try not to think about the possibility and ignore everything else going on....particularly the "phantom symptoms". That can be difficult at times because I'll say I'm feeling a particular way and Chris will raise his eyebrows at me---like he suspects I may be pregnant as well. I find myself constantly denying I am although I am secretly hoping he is right.
The phantom symptoms are sometimes the worse. I call them phantom, but they aren't. I believe they are real symptoms. After a woman has her period, she gets an increase in progesterone. Progesterone is what causes a great deal of the symptoms. If a woman is pregnant, the hcG hormone (pregnancy hormone) signals an increase in progesterone leading to more or worse symptoms. Progesterone is what prevents the period from coming and signals the lining to stay in place.
During my 2nd pregnancy (ever brief that it was), we discovered I had low progesterone. My doctor prescribed progesterone suppositories (50 mg) to try and prevent miscarriage. It was too late and I lost the baby. (Honestly, though, I could have lost the baby because that was God's will as it was anyway). Now, starting at 10 dpo (days past ovulation), I have to put in the suppositories twice a day. Charting is very important for me to pinpoint the day I need to do this.
What this does to my body, I don't know. I do know that my symptoms sometimes increase after I start the suppositories. I always get more tired during the 2ww naturally, but when I'm pregnant and/or on the suppositories, I am downright exhausted in the afternoon and take lots of naps. Before my first pregnancy, my boobs never got sore during the 2ww. With my 1st pregnancy and my last, sore boobs were a huge symptom for me that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I will now occasionally have sore boobs whether I am pregnant or not. My doctor said that was normal once you have been pregnant. Yay. ;-)
So, here I am in the 2ww, hoping and praying I am pregnant, again, but not counting on it. With that I feel all sorts of emotions. Part of me gets excited at the prospect, while the other part of me is scared I will suffer another loss. I can never approach a pregnancy with wide-eyed innocence that I did in the past. The naivety that everything will turn out okay in 9 months and I'll hold a baby in my arms, for sure. I want that back, but I can't have it back. While I am hopeful I'm pregnant again, I get myself mentally ready that I'm not and Chris & I will try again the next month.
We should know soon if I am or not. I'm highly doubtful this time around because while I've been a bit tired, I have no other symptoms. So, I'm ready for my cycle to restart and move on for more fun trying again. The life of a woman trying to conceive is grand, right? ;)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Today I Was...
supposed to have a baby in my arms. In the last couple of weeks, I've become aware that I was nearing my 1st EDD (estimated due date) for my 1st loss. That day is here. It first dawned on me that it wasn't coming when the Census arrived. I realized that if we had stayed pregnant, I would have waited to fill in the census so that I could include our new baby. However, that obviously did not happen.
It is weird when you think of your loss on a day that you thought would be joyous. I'm not sad and weepy, just reflective. I wish we had kept that pregnancy, but it wasn't in God's plan for us. At the time, I chalked it up to that since I figured God just wanted Chris and I to be a married couple a while longer before becoming parents. But after 3 losses, I begin to question God's plan in this. I know he has one. I also feel called to be a mother. It is possible, though, that I never will be one. If that is the case, I'll have to come to accept it. In the meantime, we will keep trying until I reach menopause and becoming a mother is impossible. According to the doctors, thus far, there is nothing wrong with Chris or me that would prevent it from happening.
I've heard different information on miscarriages. One is that if you have had more than 2 miscarriages, the odds of you have another miscarriage is pretty high (a lot higher than for those who haven't had one). The other stat I've learned is that 97% of women who have gotten pregnant and miscarried, even multiple times, are able to carry at least one baby to term. I like that stat a lot, and it helps to give me hope. My hope now is that I will be pregnant with a healthy and growing baby the next time another EDD for a lost child comes along (July 26 & Sept 17).
It is weird when you think of your loss on a day that you thought would be joyous. I'm not sad and weepy, just reflective. I wish we had kept that pregnancy, but it wasn't in God's plan for us. At the time, I chalked it up to that since I figured God just wanted Chris and I to be a married couple a while longer before becoming parents. But after 3 losses, I begin to question God's plan in this. I know he has one. I also feel called to be a mother. It is possible, though, that I never will be one. If that is the case, I'll have to come to accept it. In the meantime, we will keep trying until I reach menopause and becoming a mother is impossible. According to the doctors, thus far, there is nothing wrong with Chris or me that would prevent it from happening.
I've heard different information on miscarriages. One is that if you have had more than 2 miscarriages, the odds of you have another miscarriage is pretty high (a lot higher than for those who haven't had one). The other stat I've learned is that 97% of women who have gotten pregnant and miscarried, even multiple times, are able to carry at least one baby to term. I like that stat a lot, and it helps to give me hope. My hope now is that I will be pregnant with a healthy and growing baby the next time another EDD for a lost child comes along (July 26 & Sept 17).
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